Adult friendships and loneliness

 Unrelated first, I'm getting back to cooking Stardew after spending Christmas as a hermit at my parents'. Also known as I didn't have to cook since my mom is an excellent cook. 

I made "omelet" today. It's in quotation marks because I cheated a bit and made Japanese rolled eggs. Tamagoyaki. Sweet, savoury, delicious. It was fun to make - although the rectangular shape of the pan meant that my hands were getting a bit toasty with my circular shaped stove top. 

I still plan to cook regular omelets since I've never successfully made one of them - a lot of "intentional" scrambled eggs were served instead. I don't even order them in restaurants often - I've usually gone in for steak or some other meats instead. The lactose intolerance has a lot to do with it but really it's because I like meats for breakfast and omelet doesn't come with enough meats in it. 

For my rolled omelet I wanted to use the rest of the Japanese cooking tools for some kicks. So I made some onigiri - loosely termed because really I just made triangles of left over rice. They weren't holding together since it's just rice of the fridge, so I fried it and made a bastardization on the level of Jaime Oliver's fried rice of yakigiri. 

On the actual title, it's really hard to make friends as an adult. Or is that just me? I almost wish to have a child so I can have a way of meeting friends. I feel like the last time I had ready made opportunities to make friends was residency. I certainly met some great people during that, but the majority of people around me were not from the same planet as me. I don't know if it's them or me that's weird, but that's a trauma for another day. 

Let's break this down, and let's do point forms like a SOAP note. 

1) Work

- difficult because of the power hierarchy

- this was much less pronounced on the island and rurally, but here there are clear distinctions based on the letters behind our names 

- I get along well with several of the nurses, who are absolutely lovely humans, and wish to get to know them better 

- unfortunately they only call me "Dr." and our interactions are fairly well limited to the clinic 

- I get along great with the residents, they're right around my age, me being freshly out, but that's an iffy boundary to cross

- I consider several of my preceptors from Newfoundland friendly, but even there they were my preceptors, let alone here 

- other physicians? I've gotten to know a few of them, and another locum and I have made decent acquittances 

- COVID has limited our ability to meet on any regular basis or indoors unfortunately 

- if this was a a relationship and dating, we'd only be on the third date, still trying to figure each other out bit 

- other physicians that I do well with all have kids and families and lives of their own

- they're all a few more years out than me and usually leave work to be with families 

- I guess I can say I have more freedom and free time but no one to share it with 

2) Clubs/hobbies 

- COVID LOL 

3) Friends of friends 

- would you believe the cruel twist of fate that as I moved to this city my good friend who was here moved to Vancouver, and other good friend moved to the east coast on an island? 

- my partner's friends are all in Halifax, and while I enjoy their company Halifax is a long ways away 

- the rest of my friends are on the other side of Toronto (also known as the black hole of traffic) and COVID LOL

4) Cafes/bars/restaurants 

- COVID LOL

Okay so a lot of it is COVID. I feel like I need to ask people for a rapid antigen test just to let them in the door these days (as if you can even get one) but without children and as people around my age start to have children, and as old friends start to move away and drift away, what's left? I feel like I never had as many close friends as when I was in high school. The numbers just kept shrinking from there. So I guess I peaked at 15? 

Stagnation or evolution

 So long ago (read: pre residency) I was a very different person. There's nothing wrong with that, and there's nothing wrong with change. I would even venture to say that not changing in the face of significant life events may not be healthy. That said, at what point is it settling and stagnating instead of actual change and evolving? 

While cleaning my closet today (theme of the year is organization and beauty!) in a bid to make my life less chaotic I realized something. I once had 20 pairs of lacy underwear for no purpose other than because they're beautiful and that I'm happy wearing them. I counted 4 today, none of which I particularly like. Am I really living a more minimalist lifestyle or have I let 2 years in social isolation - even pre-covid - stop me from being me? Am I really okay with not wearing stylish, fashion forward dresses because I've evolved past them? Or do I just still hear the catty, backwards voices of a toxic workplace bitches ask me if I'm dressed like that to entice patients and other physicians? Am I just letting those past traumas (having a coworker loudly point out my nipples in a dress in a busy ER where I was staffing) determine what I still do or were those just formative experiences that changed me for the better? Am I actually happy with who I am or am I merely stuck in a stagnant puddle? 

I used to think I evolved past them. It turns out I might just be still stuck waist deep by past shit. So on the theme of living a more beautiful year, whatever that might mean on each given day, I'm throwing out all the old clothes, underwear and all, and buying some new, beautiful clothes. 

"If you can't love yourself how the hell you gonna love someone else?"

Who knew the best life advice I've ever gotten would come from a reality drag show? 

Selling a student

 I once wrote a blog post (many blogs ago) about selling myself and how difficult that was. I was in the process of applying to residency programs as a senior medical student. I now sit in a faculty position (doctor? Professor? Both? Proctor or dofessor?) and have the immense privilege and delight of having students. 

One of my students has asked me for a reference letter. I said yes maybe a little too enthusiastically. 

I remember the distinct squirming of asking former preceptors to recommend me to residency programs. 

"Excuse me sir, I know you only met me for half an afternoon but that's longer than anyone else I've met on this rotation - can you please write me a reference letter?" 

Minor exaggeration, but not by much. 

Whatever I can do to ease the learners' hell on earth known as CaRMS, I'm excited to do. 

That said I'm confronted by the expectation of these letters. I didn't know what the process entailed when I asked preceptors. Apparently we can't just write "so and so is a great student", but have to write "they were AMAZING" "top 1% of all learners" "superior in every regard". Except if I write for more than one student they can't all be the top 1% and best I've ever worked with. I certainly can't make constructive comments like so and so faced some minor difficulties in this but showed rapid improvement, even though that, I think, is a glowing recommendation that someone is ready to grow and learn. So facetious overexaggerations it is?