It's been a long time and a long journey. To briefly summarize I've realized the rural and remote life isn't for me. I made myself believe that's what I wanted because it's what 1) my former partner wanted, 2) what I thought was the safest and most steady career path, 3) I wanted to be the most well dressed, biggest fish in the small pond deal.
What I've realized: 1) a partner can't make up your whole life, and he/she should push you to be better than who you are. Sure, they should accept you, love you as you are, but having them in your life should make you want to progress, be better, journey together without stagnating in a rut relationship. 2) Safe and steady is not what I want. I came to Newfoundland to be challenged. I came to be pushed out of my comfort zone and to learn things I could never imagine I didn't know (insert things you know vs things you don't know speech here). That leads to an unfulfilling career that, no matter how much I tried to engage with it, just didn't seem worth it. 3) It's no fun standing out for reasons no one else considers as valuable as you, and when you're the biggest fish you have nothing left to push you to evolve.
What I've done: 1) My ex partner and I had a long discussion, over the course of over a year, and decided that love alone isn't enough. You can't love each other out of depression. You can't love each other into a meaningful career. You definitely can't rely on romantic, got-to-have-you-can't-live-without-you love to get through the mundane hardships of day to day life. 2) I wrapped up my residency - finally! - but chose to commit to a +1 year of enhanced skills on a whim. I hadn't intended to after having such a challenging time in rural residency, and never imagined I would be interested in flinging myself even further into rural Labrador and (!!) rural Nepal. I imagined going straight home to Ontario, starting locums and settling back into my old life. Then I thought, I left Ontario and home for a reason - that being I wasn't satisfied with just the status quo. Yeah, my circle of friends, cafes and visits back home to mom's backyard patio was wonderful, but if that alone satiated me I would have never left. I was incredibly offered the +1 year based in St. John's and, after about 30 seconds of pondering, said "hell yeah let's do it!", with my new partner. He's made the questionable decision to jump his own ship and come out to the island with me, so we're quite the match. And he is absolutely someone who makes me want to constantly improve and explore myself. 3) I'm the newbie all over again, I know nothing of refugee health, transgender medicine, care of the homeless from residency. My starting base is lower than I've ever known it - and I love it. I'm being pushed to learn again, to enjoy learning again.
Now it's time for the blog to take a different turn. I would still like to write reflective pieces, but I'd like to do a weekly-biweekly summary of my patient exposure (privacy protected of course). Personal life will always be intertwined, because to me you cannot know yourself as a professional without accounting for your personal. We don't evaluate our patients only based on the story they present us in clinic, we remember their family relations, their job concerns and their support circles. In my thinking, my relationships, my personal wellness and supports are just as significant determinants of me as Dr. Z.G.
