2 days to go - for me

I went to my new gym today. I'm still very intimidated by gyms despite multiple assurances from everyone that go more than me that no one is judging. Except I'm totally judging. I'm a bad person, I know. Mostly I judge me, if that helps. I couldn't bring myself to step into the weight room so I hid in the safety of cardio machines and failed at using a stationary bike. (Why are they so high off the ground? Why is nothing easy to adjust? Why does my crotch like to fall on the bars?)

But I'm starting to get out of the apartment at least, and alone for the first time. Trial run as I'll be dropping off my boyfriend of almost 6 years (nicknamed the captain) a short week from now. Then I'll be truly alone. I've been a bit weepy about it.

What I try to remember is that I'm doing this for me. Most decisions in my life I've made on the basis of family and other relationships. Convenience's sake. Comfort. This time it's for me. I stayed close to home for undergrad for financial and family reasons. My parents wanted me close by. I stayed close for medical school despite the chance to go west for family and boyfriend and friends. This time I'm going where I want and without so much as a by your leave from anyone else. This decision I made for only what I want.

Yes, faith, it is my cousin’s duty to make curtsy and say,

“Father, as it please you.” 

But yet for all that, cousin, let him be a handsome fellow, or else make another curtsy and

say, “Father, as it please me."

- Much Ado About Nothing